Maybe it’s not so bad. Everyone you know is going to die and that will be the center of your life. You will love people and build your own life and have if for as long as you can, but ultimately, it will fall apart. As everything does.
That’s sad, isn’t it? You will lose everything. Everyone has their own “everything”. But you will lose yours. Your memories will fall apart. Someday, I’ll just be little fragments of your life. You might not even remember my last name.
You will remember how things affected you.
You will not remember my favorite songs. The books I told you about. The movies we watched. I won’t either.
But I’ll remember the moment I realized I loved you, because I had never felt so full and so hopeless.
I won’t remember the times I was strong enough. I’ll remember the time you hugged me - the one time - when you held me under your chin and I kept shaking
I’ll remember driving home, not being able to get out of my car, not being able to stop driving, not ready to be alone
Laying next to you while you tried not to fall asleep
I don’t worry about forgetting these things, or remembering the ones that hurt. I won’t worry about how we end or how anything ends, really. That is entirely situational and up to the rest of the world.
I worry every day about how to spend my time. It is so hard for me to live and want things and have them and love them, because
They’ll fall apart
I won’t want them anymore
I won’t love them anymore
I’ll lose them
I worry if it’s worth it. I am used to myself. That is my constant. This body is mine. I’ll always have my breath.
I worry if it’s worth it to do something - anything -
It will break me
It will break you
And I am so horrible at hurting people.
But I think I’m starting to understand. It’s not about being protected. It’s not about who I have or who I lose or what I leave behind.
Because I will lose everything. To miscalculation, misfortune, mistake
But everyone is entitled to be beautiful
Important. To their friends, family, the newspaper
The fucking headstone.
But waiting idly to die without feeling much pain
Is not, and will never be,
Unintended - Muse
I’ll be there as soon as I can
But I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
2. Plant a Tree
4. Golden Angles
5. Moons of Jupiter: Movements
8. Bauhaus Disco
9. What if Mondrian was Right?
I know it’s over, and it never really began